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Recorded at The Paramount Theater in Denver, CO, stand-up comedienne Kathleen Madigan explores topics including aging parents, interactions with millennials, and hunting bigfoot. Im not gonna do it. This is what this DJ says to me: Ron Every time a celebrity calls our station, we always ask the same question: If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be? And I said Living. And he tried to explain it to me. Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up | Radio Times And he had bunk beds in his room, and Joe Paines on the top bed, Danny Davis is on the lower bed, and Im on a sleeping bag on the floor, and I wet the fucking bed, and Im, like, mortified. Thats not a sobriety test. He didnt say that. Thats it for tonight. Now, I wont drive drunk, but I will ride with somebody that cant blow a .08 and not fucking know it. Best deal Ive ever heard of in my life to this day. I do. Im sure youre grateful. And nobody wants our shit anymore. Jeff? So unhappy, theyre willing to bleach it until it becomes a more desirable color. Im like, Theyre gonna know. Maybe a half a sandwich and a soup. Ron White - Take 2 Viagra and demand a pat down. Tasted strong. And the punchline of that story is, I come back to the States, when I get back to the States, my assistant goes, Ron, did you hear that John Mayhew died? And Im like, John Mayhew Why do I know that name? Its your ex-wifes divorce lawyer. [laughing quietly] Oh, I hated that motherfucker. Thanks for playing along. I may or may not be a little drunk. The motherfucker! Nothing could make this better. And so, White closes by turning back time to talk about a weekend in December 1996, when White opened for Foxworthy in Las Vegas at the MGM Grand, while Engvall opened for Reba McEntire down the strip at Caesars Palace. You got to quit eating them babies, maam. I would have missed the boat if I was in the porno business right there. I couldnt fucking breathe. Marvel Movies Ranked Worst to Best by Tomatometer, Jurassic Park Movies Ranked By Tomatometer, RT25: Celebrating 25 Years of Rotten Tomatoes, Weekend Box Office Results: Super Mario Joins the Billion-Dollar Club. Ron "Tater Salad" White dishes out his signature brand of cynicism, riffing on sex, celebrity and the sinister habits of wild geese.Ron "Tater Salad" White dishes out his signature brand of cynicism, riffing on sex, celebrity and the sinister habits of wild geese.Ron "Tater Salad" White dishes out his signature brand of cynicism, riffing on sex, celebrity and the sinister habits of wild geese. 20,592, This story has been shared 13,103 times. Here's When It Returns With New Episodes, Drew Barrymore Halts Segment After "Severely Old" Mac and Cheese Noodle Flies off Her Desk: "It's Rock Hard". He goes, I want you to stand on one foot, raise the other foot No, bullshit. Filming Locations for the Disney+ Movie, Alexander Molony Is the Perfect Blend of Charming and Naive in Disney+s Peter Pan & Wendy, What Does "Doderick Macht Frei" on 'Succession' Mean? You were right! So we walk up to Knob Cobblers, or whatever the fuck the name of it was. Thats all you get. Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up - Netflix Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up - Netflix Numan1235cansunar2234comtr. [Ron White] You ever take a crap so big your pants fit better? I can put my car in drive and roll over your ass. Ill tell you how the conversation ended, and then youll know how it went. Come on down to the Golden Corral. Do not try that at home. The newest one thats not very new, but its the newest one. Theyre doing whatever the fuck they want to do whenever the fuck they want to do it. Cause there aint no goddamn women there. That aint even kind of drunk. But I took her to Vegas. Im also an idea man. I didnt lose my virginity until I was 18 years old, and I was in the Navy stationed in San Diego, and I lost my virginity to a prostitute in Tijuana, Mexico, who was overweight,and her teeth had no general direction or color. Do you have any advice, Mr. White? Now, Id just got off the ugliest phone call Ive ever had with my wife, and it was about that house, and part of that house was gonna be a rehearsal space for her band, and while I was shooting a pilot in Vancouver, it turned into a 24-track recording studio. Put down that ketchup and drop that toddler. Two brothers trying to make it as dancers open their own club, but their artistic drive soon clashes with the business, threatening their relationship. Nobodys moving till we get across this street. They could have flown over the fucking street. Youre just fucking just Some red lipstick on that nose, this would be hot as fuck. Im not gay. Ron "Tater Salad" White dishes out his signature brand of cynicism, riffing on sex, celebrity and the sinister habits of wild geese. I just like to see it. And I was watching that movie The Help, and Im like, I know hes not a young negro woman, but if he just had on an apron and no shirt I consider myself a gold star heterosexual. It was so fucking funny. Ahh! The way they cross the street right in front of fucking cars with that weird-ass confidence. I dont care one way or another. Videos Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up Theres an opening act, that makes between 100 and 200 a week for nine shows, the feature act which is what I was makes between 400 and 500 bucks for nine shows, and a headliner who can make absolutely anything depending upon who they are.. Just enough to keep from bumping into shit. So I really had to call and promote these shows and get everybody to come out, and I called this radio station in London. They all look like fucking tents. 'If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up': Ron White's Netflix special Youre still going to hop in that motherfucker. I let 150 dudes suck my dick? Hes still having too much fun. But why settle for fictional tall tales when you can sit back and enjoy Whites actual road stories. Netflix Ron 'Tater Salad' White is bringing his classic story-telling style of standup special, 'If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up,' to Netflix this week, and he is surely going to get you laughing your guts off. And not because if somebody was breaking into our house, they would make a bunch of noise and scare those people away, because you couldnt possibly wake them up. [sobbing] I had nightmares about it my entire goddamn childhood. And that was the first timeall three of us had our names on big signs in Vegas, and we went outside to look at it, and I was like, Fuck, now what? And three hours after I met this chick, Im laying on my back going, [tightly] This bitch is crazy. And I was right. She was beautiful. First big gig we did together was the first week in December 1996 at the MGM Grand in Vegas. You let me think, I went my whole life, that Id pissed in Joe Paines fucking bunk bed?, So my wife and I, we both tour extensively, and, uh she bought us two dogs, which, you know, just makes touring easier if you have a couple of dogs to drag with you on all those flights, and she bought us two French Bulldogs. Im like, What do I even do? My platform was a little different than our presidents platform. Cause were scared to fucking death of geese. Or any. I I got nowhere to be. Its very short. If You Quit Listening Ill Shut Up opens with soundbites from Whites previous specials, then we see him onstage, in a crisp suit, revealing to his fans how fame and fortune has changed him. I wish you would have told us that up front. I was the feature act at the Punchline Comedy Club in Sacramento, California. 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Youre just spreading your ass cheeks, squatting into a tray of solution for a limited amount of time for a desired result. Im not gay, but I have these moments. , and to receive email from Rotten Tomatoes. I could piss like a fucking fire hydrant. But she was well within my budget. [distorted] Wagyu beef taste like boot leather. And you know why theyre having so much fun? I do it all the time. I have no idea what color my asshole is. It happened a long time ago, which doesnt fucking matter. Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story: Season 1, Link to Marvel Movies Ranked Worst to Best by Tomatometer, Link to Asian-American Pacific Islander Heritage, Link to RT25: Celebrating 25 Years of Rotten Tomatoes. Weve tried everything that there is. Im like, Im through it. Well, whatever it is, I wouldnt worry about it if I were you. I know it smells like piss. >> julia, thank you very much for that update. And Ill tell you why I didnt have a problem with it, cause I thought the number of people beating off to my image was zero. I gotta go. Im coming back twice a day every fucking day. This is, uh This is brilliant. When my dog gets out of the yard, gets in the street, hes like, Oh fuck! Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up 40 years old, never been married, which makes you a little suspicious. That little spot tastes like Skittles. I never got over it. Id give you half my shit right now, but I dont make up the rules.. JOIN NOW Videos Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up Fully-functioning organs are not necessary to watch Ron Whites new special, If You Quit Listening Ill Shut Up. Id have peed on both of them, but one of them was too fucking high and I was like, Id piss on the wall trying to piss on that guy. 1,802, This story has been shared 1,410 times. 7:31. Drunk driving. Probably a big glass of tea with a big slice of lemon. Thats all. Thats his deal. These are two broke fucking fingers. I know this. Im going to do it, cause Im surprised they know it, but I support the Montreal Comedy Festival, and if you ever have a chance to go to Montreal in the summer to go to the festival, its the coolest fucking thing there is.