Agreed. And nobody is reasonably going to crazy drug orgies where they might be at risk, during a work event. (Ive been to LV exactly once, for work. If you feel a message or content violates these standards and would like to request its removal please submit the following information and our moderating team will respond shortly. Perhaps this is exhibiting itself in more ways than just this instance, and if so, its especially something youll want to address head on and as a team. Did he not get the memo thats not how dating works. : Dont bring your kids to The Thunder Down Under that show doesnt have anything to do with the weather) but its pretty safe, relatively speaking. Be bored, and be boring: This is not a debate, this is a fact deal with it but stated calmly, not aggressively. Ill wait. The reality of the place is really NBD. My husband knows I am a lone soul sometimes and love my exciting career. There is no amount of structuring my life that would have kept me from feeling anxious. I agree with Alison here. First, thank you so much for sharing your insight. Companies dont plan things in Vegas to put their employees at risk. It seems like almost everyone is misreading this update. Its partially a trust issue, and partly the horrible stories some people tell themselves. For the OP, this is a marriage problem. Unless, its a SERIOUSLY homogeneous group, whichis possibleunfortunately. An emotionally distant husband may often seem indifferent or indecisive about decisions: Vacation destinations. Sure, anxiety may be amplifying his concerns, but anxiety doesnt make a respectful, supportive, loving spouse demand that their wife refuse to attend a business trip. This reminds me of when I studied abroad in London and my mom warned me about people like Jack the Ripper. Or the students who rejected their rejection letters when I worked in college admissions. I just want to come back to the point about where the first fear of his that you list off, OP, is that youre going to cheat on him. -OPs husband, probably. My then-husband and I spent three days in Vegas with two other couples, and the most sinful thing we did was see a strip show that our group leader had accidentally bought us all tickets to. He knows that travelling for work is non-negotiable, so hes willing to put in the work to make it easier for both of us. But I do agree that its extremely possible the OPs husband is, consciously or unconsciously, skewing the results in his favor. We went to the Grand Canyon, went ziplining in the mountains and had a great without ever stepping in a casino. hahahah! Your husband is being insecure (at best!). Absence doesnt make the heart grow fonder, it ruins relationships and I am 3 decades in. He cant expect his partner to sacrifice herself to the whims of his anxiety. etc.. For work, though, it is perfect. Not going on this trip will not save your marriage; I suspect this happens in other situations too or will in the future. Life is too short to be stifled by someone elses insecurities. The only sides are you both addressing a bad frame of reference that your spouse has. I suppose anxiety could make his control issues more prominent, but to me his behavior is just a glaring red flag. Lets not give credibility to LWs spouse by arguing the matter of whether its really dangerous, or whether he has reasons to believe she will have an affair. I know its easier to say Leave him! to someone else than it is to actually leave your spouse but please know that leaving him over this would not be an overreaction. I dont let him go on trips because we dont manage each others lives like that, but I do support his career and any travel that entails even if its stressful for me. My comment is intended to apply to any combination of genders.). Just that it could be either one. Being with a partner whose anxieties and irrational fears are put on your shoulders is not healthy, and thank god I recognized it when I did! But regardless, he needs to respect the demands of her job and treat her like an adult. Im handling it by biting the dog that bit me and hes not happy. That was one reason I had to STOP watching so much Law N Order / Criminal Minds / CSI / whatever. Ugh. Seriously, I think most of my husbands friends have been to Las Vegas at some point for their jobs, no matter what their jobs are. The Sigma Derby game in the MGM Grand is a lot of fun. It gives him something else to focus on, so he isnt sitting on the couch by himself, watching TV and brewing in anxiety. It was a hard thing to learn (Look, Mom, its so simple, just literally never leave the house and Ill never be anxious! sounds SO rational in your head when youre facing lots of catastrophic thoughts!) (I do apologize that my intention to be helpful wasnt completely clear). P.S., you forgot to shill The Gift of Fear.. I suspect that he says that because he can frame it as Im only concerned for YOUR safety, rather than When you go to Las Vegas, I feel like I am not in control of you, and that makes me unhappy. I bet he doesnt even really think you will cheatits about knowing that you COULD and he wouldnt see and couldnt do anything about it. They sometimes ask if Im from some sort of obscure cult, or something. I think whatever LV *was* once, its not anymore. assigning women extra work to help them, calling out when youre in the ER, and more. When I first started at my last full-time job, a coworker and I were both sent to Washington DC for a three-day conference to learn our jobs (wed both started around the same time, in a very niche legal field). Hahahaha! Whats more surprising is that youre the main provider. The duration of the vacation. Maybe you can rest your husbands anxiety by telling him youll be too busy. According to my in-laws, any apartment within walking distance of a Mexican restaurant had to be in a horrible and crime-infested part of town. I think Id feel safer there than in my own city, where things can get desolate sometimes. When one leaves, its done! Youre working 10 to 12 hours a day on the show floor or out at dinners with vendors and clients. If you think Im the type of person who would cheat well Im not interested in spending time with you because you seem to have a pretty horrible opinion of me. Hope youre all right, OP. And do not to the best of your ability get wrapped up or play into his anxieties, or irrational fears. You can get really great meals there. There are several important issues to consider, however, when deciding if your husband should go on vacation with you. Ive been unattached most of my life, and am in a life partnership now. The letter writers last trip was in February and the manager from the other thread wrote to Alison in the beginning of March, which would be right after she got back from this Vegas trip and told her boss she would no longer travel. By letting him come chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with work colleagues, with single men, etc. Nobody ever said I wont let you go on that trip, but it certainly wouldnt have ended well if they had. OP will just run herself ragged reinforcing his fears. But the husband is the asshole how dare he worry about his wife, Absolutely get counseling. She is bottle fed and was at that time, too, so if your LO is EBF, I'd say add more time. I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired. Not because I felt unsafe (though I kind of did, but I could remind myself that was because of CSI and not because of logic) but mostly because it was also not clean enough for my standards and the savings werent worth it the amount of time I spent trying to get places. My husband doesn't want to go because of the 14 hour car ride. Uncategorized ; June 21, 2022 husband doesn t want to go on family vacation . Its the inappropriate (in typical American business culture) reaction of the husband thats the issue here, not whether its legitimate to try and get out of business trips sometimes. They plan conferences there because its generally inexpensive, tons of rooms and restaurants, and its extremely easy to get aroundno real need for ground transportation besides getting to and from the airport. Vegas skeezy rep is about 50 years out of date at this point. You need a pro to help you guys sort out this tangle and see where to go from here in a way that doesnt actively sabotage your career because of his irrational behavior. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. If this were my husband, Id point out that Im statistically more likely to be murdered by him than by a stranger, therefore its probably safer to be in Vegas than at home. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. I only wanted to get someplace, anyplace, without slot machines. I talked to a financial planner about my divorce before I decided to go through with it, and it turns out she and I married the same guy too! Pricey, but worth it! OP, no idea if my experience is relevant to you or not, but the relationships in which the possibility of me cheating (never in a million years) was raised were the ones in which HE was cheating. Also she is sole provider for family? And Hunter Thompson and Oscar Acosta are dead anyway. Where I live, they would agree with the husbands position. OP take care of you first. I love New Orleans! But if theyre just attending as a participant, they wont be working 20 hours a day. He got anxious when I went to San Diego only because it was near the Mexican border, but gee whiz. Many people we know (work, friends, sometimes family) just cant wrap their head around the fact that we dont need to be joined at the hip 24/7 and that were not jealous. I think that there can be a tendency in intimate relationships to prioritize keeping the peace, and emphasizing why thats a bad idea here and confirming that giving into the husbands demands and not going on the trip should be off the table is valuable coming from someone who gives advice about workplace stuff. Fun for a night or two a year, too much otherwise. Well, thank heaven theyre not all drug dealers too. Main Menu How entitled can someone be to think that their ex has to justify wanting to break up and have a good cause? I got friend walks with doggo once a week to give myself what I needed while respecting that my husband didn't " I don't want to travel the world with you to film weddings and turn ever work trip . What about yourself? So give yourself permission to stop trying, OP. Hang up the phone, turn it off, walk out of the room, leave the house and walk the dog or go for a drive, stop and get yourself a meal out somewhere. And if I only believed he was in danger because I have anxiety I cant control, this wouldnt help at allin fact, it would probably make the anxiety worse. Thats pretty seriously delusional thinking. One of my best friends took his family (2 very young children) to Vegas, and they had a great time. He doesnt get to say you cant do anything. I dont think its either/or, necessarily. Conversely, if he came home with the same news, my response would be, Thats great! update: is my future manager a bigoted jerk? I didnt have to take many work trips, being a teacher, but I did occasionally go to educational seminars. I dont gamble much. Husband used to do this to me every time I drove anywhere in the winter. Why would a husband not want to go anywhere with his wife? It could be, but its tougher to stay up all night gambling and partying in the middle of the week in NY or SF. We're glad we did it to see it's totally do-able. We also were both active-duty for the first couple years we were together. Also have casinos on boats. Its like Captain Awkward says no matter why youre standing on my foot, you need to stop standing on my foot. Leave your phone on silent. If the problem isnt the one everyone jumps on, that means the LW get a lot of useless advice on a problem they dont have. What helped me was to realize that this is something Im prone to do, recognize it when its happening, and mentally tell myself whats real and whats not real. So when my sister and her then-boyfriend said they were taking a trip there, my first thought was that they shouldnt go because tourists are always killed horribly in Vegas (or are sometimes raped or kidnapped). couch their controlling tendencies as worry and concern, because they know their victims will want to soothe and appease them, because they are just super nice worry-wart spouses who just really, truly, are so *concerned*. Can you cut it out, or find someone else to talk to about your worry?. Go on the business trip, set and hold firm limits with him (i.e., if you want to call him at 9 each night, great, but thats it. The businesspeople in Las Vegas want to make money. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationcynon valley history. Business trips are the only time I like going to Vegas. The whole letting her go thing could be controlling or abusive, but it could also refer less to physical ability to go there and more not letting her go in peace, or without a bunch of needy whining adult tantrums. Another option is to share infowhen you get there take a picture of where you are stayingshow the agenda, let him know what you are doing, check in at the end of the night. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you won't complain: "My husband never wants to do anything with me.". Context does not change would into wouldnt. Go on your trip! Id say the chances are > 50% that this guy never asked anyone anything. I was also married to this man. You might want to change, but also can't. If you need to go out and do things, go do those with your friends and family, or even initially-strangers via v. I love it when my husband goes camping with the guys. And wondered aloud how he would have been if wed been together in the days I was traveling to Kosovo, Bosnia and Iraq as a newspaper reporter. You are agood person for trying tobond with your husbands family. Yeah, my husband takes business trips to Vegas multiple times a year. Thanks for your thoughtful self-awareness. When she would call back, he would accuse her of having left the office to sleep with someone else. Vegas has a convenient airport, massive conference facilities, and tons of hotels that cater to business travelers. Remember the man who wanted his female co-worker to dress like a Little House on the Prairie extra? I suspect he asked a leading question, something like My wifes company wants to send her to Vegas with a bunch of single guys who like to stay up late drinking. Her hotel room was amazing, and Im pretty sure it had a little museum in that hotel too. Please whitelist our site to get all the best deals and offers from our partners. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Wilberforce agrees with meeee!. (Pretty sure the best meal Ive had in my life was at a Vegas buffet there was bone marrow covered in like fig sauce and the second or third best was at one of the steakhouses). The trip should take about 2 and a half hours, but it took about 3 and a half because we had to stop so I could feed my daughter and change her. This happens to me at the worst times, like when Im walking home in the evening or when Im doing chores alone around the house I get this feeling like im starting in the opening sequence of whatever creepy procedural I was watching. I dont think that would help the situation, however. Same. my boss told me not to give greeting cards to older men because it could seem sexual, my coworker's husband is texting me and blaming me for their divorce, https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html, my manager and coworker are secretly dating, boss will never give exceeds expectations because he has high standards, and more, update: I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired, stolen sandwiches, disgusting fridges, dish-washing drama: lets talk about office kitchen mayhem, interviewer scolded me for my outfit, job requires an oath of allegiance, and more, update: a DNA test revealed the CEO is my half brother and hes freaking out, my entry-level employee gave me a bunch of off-base criticism. I really wish people would take the time to think beyond their first assumption in issues like this. It might even be a wonderful idea, under the right circumstances. There are tons of huge conferences that take place there all the time. So anything that could be perceived poorly at their church is not allowed. Im a husband sometimes prone to irrational fears about if my wife is okay. My (mentally ill) mom does this thing where if theres something she doesnt want me to do, she makes up stories about how dangerous/stupid/inconsiderate/selfish/wrong of me to do it. That is the hallmark of a controlling person. One ofour Bright Side readers sentus ane-mail pouring her heart out about atricky situation shes going through. Ive also gone on holiday with my mum and my grandmother for a week or two at a time. An ex of mine and I were trying to be friends; he told me about a date he went on and I gave him my opinion (that he treated this woman like crap) and he was basically all, Nuh-unh! OP, I agree with the advice you dont have to choose between your marriage and your job if you dont want to. I have a disney pass but my husband doesn' | planDisney If its phrased as Wife wants to go to Vegas without me for 3 days but go with a bunch of random guys Ive never met before!. I used to travel 3 weeks out of the month from Wed-Sun for work and often traveled by myself to large cities as well as smaller locations and never felt unsafe. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy. I cannot stress how much this letter pisses me off. I agree with you on the personal deal-breakers, but thats not the discourse thats going on here at the moment. And its great he enjoys the time alone, we get to talk about interesting stuff weve both done when I get back, we both get time to decompress in ways which benefit us the most. The big issue is that hes being controlling and jealous in a really misogynist way, so Im not actually all that concerned with or sympathetic about notional anxiety issues at this point. He framed it as concern for my safety but it was really about control. You just cant. -03-2022, 0 Comments My professional association alternates years between Vegas and Disney for its annual conference because those two places are both great for massive groups of people at a reasonable price. Can you believe it? Good luck to you both. Mind you, I never told them that they shouldnt go (did tell my wife at the WTF? OMG, but the burgers there are sooo good! how do I get out of an active-shooter drill at my office? The whole city is like a giant theme park for adults. Ive been to one (and my husband was only jealous of the food), and while I dont like Vegas myself, I cant deny that the Venetian knows how to run a conference. Honestly, things could happen anywhere, so his questioning that the trip is in Vegas sounds like a cover. Vegas has more hotel rooms than any other city in America, and regular flights to an airport located in the city from every other major city in the country. In cases with a controlling spouse, marriage counseling is not recommended. Even if I didnt hear from him or vice verse, we are adults. I was thinking the same thing. He needs to get over this, though if for no other reason than the financial security of the family. Vegas flights and hotels are cheap compared to anywhere else with their size convention/conference space. You need your job and you need a good career trajectory, even assuming you and your husband stay together and nothing different happens in the future. In the end, she chose her career and her child (who was 4 years old then) over her husband, because she eventually realized that this behavior was not normal, and was not a reflection on her. Hes a control freak who will beg, lie and manipulate every situation to get his way. Husband doesn't want to go on family vacation A Crappy Vacation Told Me My Marriage Was Really Over - Scary Mommy Casinos are closely monitored and have security, and its a very touristy city, so I imagine there are a lot of people out and about at night (at least near the strip). If yes, how does he handle those trips? Dont choke or burn yourself! It was BAD. And, if not, perhaps he and the OP should take a trip together there (not on one of her business trips). OP can call out her husband by offering to buy a $1MM (or whatever number) life insurance policy for the duration of the vegas trip. Congratulations. Yup. Hed get support from his friends and family. Ive been in enough therapy to know thats my brain lying to me, and my spouse and I work together to come up with coping strategies to help ward off these thoughts, but they are always there in the back of my mind. I think that it is much more scary to be hurt by someone you know, so people are more likely to believe in the bogeyman dark alley scenario. The conference hall manager looked at my colleaguewho requested a kosher meallike they were crazy. It totally IS. Him: Something something shes just got cold feet about the upcoming wedding. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. I know many wonderful non-abusive people who would raise a hairy eyeball over this. Here is the problem with appeasing people like OPs husband, whether they are being abusive or just needlessly anxious: they come to expect appeasement. Nope. Oh sure, but thats why I specified business-class rooms, as in the 3.5 or 4-star Hilton/Hyatt/W Hotel, since those are the types of hotels that have attached conference/convention facilities and host large conferences. I do think raising, where you live, and a worldly perception of Vegas play in. ^ +1000, this was the most mind-boggling to me as well. Because a healthy, loving partner does not do this. Hee! The best parts of Vegas arent actually in town. You get attention, you often get attempts at comfort, sometimes you get a hug; these are all rewarding. Husband is not fair when it comes to my family (his inlaws). of my colleagues are and having the convention somewhere like Las Vegas brings in more talent from around the world. Theres a section in the book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier, that deals with a spouse like the OPs someone trying to manipulate their spouse away from going on an important business trip. I actually didnt tell her I got K&R insurance when I worked in the Philippines and had to travel to an area where nearby skirmishes were going on and kidnappings WERE a concern. I think youre right, but I think just as often people jump to an abuse/controlling scenario when it involves a relationship. I agree with this- even if she were able to somehow get out of the trip without professional repercussions, Im quite sure he would find something else to stress about and restrict her from owing to these kinds of irrational fears. Right. Not like us isnt automatically the same thing as toxic.. Bringing your spouse along on a work trip only works some of the time, and it definitely doesnt work if the spouse has already exhibited controlling behavior. You feel this way, youre affected in this way, you would like to see this happen, and so on. He can be kind of inflexible about certain things so the fact that this is 180 degrees from where it was should give you hope. If you think a situation sounds abusive, please dont recommend couples therapy. Mmm.. Thats it. My only regret about that trip was that it was so last-minute I couldnt get a ticket for my boyfriend, who has never been to Vegas and would have also enjoyed wandering through the hotels and playing a few slots for the free drinks. So, OP, if you take nothing else away from this comment chain, hopefully you at least get some calibration to your is-it-weird-o-meter. Marketing aside, Vegas is just a metropolitan center, and you dont look lose your morals the second you step off the plane.